he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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