Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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