she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up under a house in Key West
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