And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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