he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
