How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
