he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
