She's JV to your varsity
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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