Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
