the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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