3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
