Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
