her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
