That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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