That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
