this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
