my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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