i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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