I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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