walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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