You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
