I look better un-naked...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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