I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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