The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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