what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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