You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
