Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
