was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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