I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
