I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
