She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
