whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
