i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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