I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
