1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
