More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
