I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize