Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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