WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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