i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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