i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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