My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
