Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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