Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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