Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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