Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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