I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
