Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize