remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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