Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
