honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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