i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
