My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
