i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
