This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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