Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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