So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
