I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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