Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
