i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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