Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
