Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
