i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
