kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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