you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
