Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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