Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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