I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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