You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
